Mini Break Down – Arousal
Arousal can happen at ANY TIME of day!
Arousal begins with just a moment to reflect on what is going on externally, or what thoughts are going on internally. For most of us we get moments of arousal throughout the day. Little sparks that we may not even notice if we are busy enough doing something else. ESPECIALLY if we are momming all day!
So I be you.Take some time in between whatever it is you got going on, to enjoy YOU time. It doesn’t have to be A LONG time.
That could be running a bubble bath with some relaxing music, meditations, or evening doing the dishes looking out the window.
It could be finding a great exercise video on YouTube and sweat.
It could be picking out your favourite colour and painting your fingers and toes.
It could reading a steamy story in the sun.
It could be bringing out your toy and finding a fun video you haven’t discovered yet.
Or any combination of above!
Then, after you get some ALONE TIME. Consider the following:
Do you Masturbate?
Do you feel like they just don’t know how to do it? Or do you feel like you don’t have the time?
Here is a cute guide for beginners! (nothing too graphic but some images are suggestive)
Does Arousal for you come before or after you desire sex?
Let’s talking about the different ways we can experience desire in regards to when arousal happens.
Spontaneous desire just happens out of no where. It’s like a lightening strike of “Ooh hot damn” to the genitals. You desire sex without much erotic stimulus. This type of desire is what was assumed for everyone. If you didn’t experience desire this way you were a prude or were somehow broken. And while yes, for some (mostly men) this is definitely how it can work, it is not the ONLY way, or the majority.
Responsive desire is very common. This desire only comes on after you are aroused. You need to be TURNED ON before you want to have sex. You have to experience erotic stimulation, get aroused, and then want to have sex.
You can get aroused in many different ways. Fooling around with your partner. fantasizing, hearing other people having sex, masturbation etc.
Alright, so we know our desire style.
What should we do if I have the responsive style?
When you don’t feel like sex, try fooling around for 10 mins, USUALLY you will get into the motions at that point. Obviously, not if you are in pain or really upset! Just if you have that “meh, I’m not in the mood feeling”.
Foreplay is so important to really creating an atmosphere of great sex for all parties involved(I mean quickies are great and all, but that is not the recommended dosage of pleasure all of the time). Also remember that foreplay starts the moment you have both decide that sex is over.
If you are a woman who is looking to initiate sex with their partner. Practise turning yourself on! Really explore what gets you going when it’s just you. Is it reading Erotica? Watching a GIF of your fav vampires making out? Touching your body?
When you are aroused, you will desire sex, and may feel more confident on telling your partner that now is a good time to get naked and connect.
Remember! just because “most” men are spontaneous desire styles, does not mean ALL men by FAR. It is completely possible to have a male partner with a lower sex “drive”.
I have also talked about brakes and accelerators.
The video below has my explanation. It’s an older video from over a year ago!
So when you are trying to get aroused. Or your partner is trying to get you aroused. and it just feels annoying and unpleasant. There is a good chance that your brakes are on, maybe even the the floor. If you have been stressed with kids, work, school etc. It can take some time to PROCESS those feelings and emotions before your body is ready to receive sexual stimulation that will allow arousal.