5 Tips for Doing the Sexy Sex (Ya’know AFTER kids) – Tip 1

On September 22, 2017, Posted by , In Knowledge, With 1 Comment

Here are 5 Tips for doing the sexy sex after children (whether you had them, adopted them, or they moved in).

This blog post was getting incredibly long, so I split each tip into it’s own blog post. I will release the blog posts every three days so you can really drink in the information before you are hit with another tip.

Please feel free to come back to this blog whenever you need the refresher. These tips are not in order of importance, what is more important is completely up to you.

  1. Get a lock for the door and then stop feeling guilty for having adult time.

  2. Find out what helps you turn off mom mode.

  3. Love your body, or if that isn’t going to work, be OK with your body.

  4. Try something new, and letting go of “normal” sex.

  5. Take time to snack, erotically.

Bonus?

As a note, this is generally for those who are in long term relationships with a couple of kids, no judgements if that isn’t where you are at (or even where you want to be). You can exchange mom with anything that works for you (care giver, demanding career peep, spoonie etc)

Take what you need and leave what you don’t!

  • also as an FYI, there are some affliate links)

Let’s get started!


Get a lock for the door and then stop feeling guilty for having adult time.

Kids are amazing and they need us, our lives are dedicated to their wellbeing and safety. As they grow they do not need us ALL THE TIME. Even if you Co-Sleep at night, it is not at the detriment of your kids to set aside adult only time. Of course, leaving the house for a date night can be hard with babies or children with different needs that require assistance. If you make sex and intimacy a priority, you can find what works in your situation.

If it is just impossible to leave the house know that date nights do not have to involve you leaving the house either. Here are some At Home Date Night Ideas. A date is whenever you spend quality intentional time together. For some that is an adventure, others it’s just being together and watching a movie. My biggest suggestion, regardless of what you choose to do, is to make a rule to put the phones away (unless you need them for a game/streaming).

My partner and I enjoy getting some beer, some snack, and playing a board game for a date night. (I usually lose, but it is still a great time). An important thing about date night is that sex isn’t expected. It can happen and does BUT there are no expectations or obligations.

These date nights (or intentional time together) are important If you are in a partnership, it needs it’s own time and attention. Especially if this partnership is romantic/sexual. Not nurturing the romantic and erotic can lead you to feel like you are living with a roommate instead of a spouse. For the primary parent you may feel like a maid instead of a spouse (nothing wrong with actually working as a housecleaner). The Love Languages, knowing yours and your partners can come in handy here too!

Solo Adult Time?

Easier said then done, but also stop feeling guilty for having YOU time and recognizing your own needs. That is SO incredibly important. So many of us just go and go and go for the needs of others and then crash, and crash hard. I’m talking about Self-Care, but not the self care that is used to sell you things. It doesn’t have to be fluffy white towels and the spa experience. While that is a lovely luxury, it may not be doing the self care work you need.

Here are some non consumerist Self Care ideas:

  • Remove or unfollow toxic people on your social media feeds.
  • Unplug from an electronics for an hour (read, create something with your hands).
  • Crank up the tunes and dance.
  • Bath (and you can dress this up with candles and bubbles if that pleases you).
  • Go for a nap.
  • Journal (gratitude, stream of consciousness, planning etc).
  • Remember to take medications.
  • Go for a walk, do some yoga, or any other movement that feels good.
  • Meditation
  • Set a timer and declutter an area in your home.

and so many more. You know what fills your tank up, and if you don’t allow yourself space to find what that is.

This brings me to what I hear a lot from my clients “Sex just feels like another chore I have to do”. 

SEX has so many benefits. It can help you sleep, help reduce the chance of heart disease, and bring you closer with your partner. When sex feels more like an obligation, or something that is being DONE to you instead of something you are doing TOGETHER. Those benefits can shrink or disappear all together.

Sex is not just about the other persons needs, it’s a time to be intimate, erotic, and be vulnerable TOGETHER. It’s important to come together and find the right kind of sex that works for all involved (more on that in tips 2 and 4!). The main thing is to not feel guilty for asking for sex that will be enjoyable for you!

What are your favourite date night ideas or self care ideas? Leave them in the comments!


Here are those tips again. Remember, if the link doesn’t work that tip hasn’t been published yet.

  1. Get a lock for the door and then stop feeling guilty for having adult time.
  2. Find out what helps you turn off mom mode.
  3. Love your body, or if that isn’t going to work, be OK with your body.
  4. Try something new, and letting go of “normal” sex.
  5. Take time to snack, erotically.

One Comment so far:

  1. […] AFTER the dreams. This can be an example of the Dual Control Model, you can read more about that here. The Dual Control Model is comprised of two systems. The “brakes” and the “accelerator” (or […]

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