5 Tips for Doing the Sexy Sex (Ya’know AFTER kids) – Tip 2

On September 25, 2017, Posted by , In Knowledge, With No Comments

Here are 5 Tips for doing the sexy sex after children (whether you had them, adopted them, or they moved in).

This blog post was getting incredibly long, so I split each tip into it’s own blog post. I will release the blog posts every three days so you can really drink in the information before you are hit with another tip.

Please feel free to come back to this blog whenever you need the refresher. These tips are not in order of importance, what is more important is completely up to you.

  1. Get a lock for the door and then stop feeling guilty for having adult time.

  2. Find out what helps you turn off mom mode.

  3. Love your body, or if that isn’t going to work, be OK with your body.

  4. Try something new, and letting go of “normal” sex.

  5. Take time to snack, erotically.

Bonus?

As a note, this is generally for those who are in long term relationships with a couple of kids, no judgements if that isn’t where you are at (or even where you want to be). You can exchange mom with anything that works for you (care giver, demanding career peep, spoonie etc)

Take what you need and leave what you don’t!

  • also as an FYI, there are some affliate links)

Let’s get started!


Find out what helps you turn off mom mode.

There is a system in the human brain that tells the rest of our body and mind when it’s time to get down on it. It’s an old system, ancient, and it’s something we can’t control. However, we can understand it and work WITH it. Everyone with a brain has this system.

This system is called the DUAL CONTROL MODEL! (which I discovered through Dr. Emily Nagoski’s book Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life. I highly recommend this book to everyone!)

It is comprised of two systems. The “brakes” and the “accelerator” (or gas). Learn more of the science here in an easy to follow comic (please note website may have NSFW/K advertising) This system is the reason that pleasure is context based. Say someone you love tickles you, it can be fun, playful and feel good. If you are angry or upset with that person and they tickle you. It can be irritating.

One system is in charge of your brain letting your body know it a great time to be aroused. Your brain can activate (or press on the accelerator) if your partner smells super good, something or someone has made you feel special, and if you see or hear anything sex related etc.

The other system is in charge of your brain letting your body know it is NOT a good time to be aroused. This system can be activated if you are feeling bad about your body, you are feeling obligated to be sexual, if you are worried about getting pregnant etc.

If your brakes have been to the ground ALL DAY, especially if you were stressed (for most people). When you are with your kids and you are in mom mode, you are not thinking about being aroused (You may have had little spikes of arousal during the day, but generally we ignore these) for example.

So without processing emotions or taking care of the physiological affects of stressed/sad/upset (releasing the brake), pressing the accelerator may not result in good fuzzy feelings (tickles that annoy you). When many people think they have a problem with desire, they try solutions that are meant to press on the accelerator and add novelty and more sexual stimulation.

**please note: That adding more sexual stimulation may cause the body to seem sexually aroused, but it may not match up with the persons mind. This is completely normal and is called arousal nonconcordance. The genitals are not the best way to “prove” sexual arousal, the best way to tell is to listen and/or ask the person with those genitals.

The research that Dr. Emily Nagoski talks about is clear that one of the best ways to be more into sex is to do things that benefit you holistically. Things like more trust in your partner, working on a better relationship with your body, and getting a lock on the door so you are not worried about the kids walking in (Hey! That was tip 1 ;).

Here are some things to think about that can help you understand your pedals:

  • Think of the most resent sexual encounter that was super awesome, and another recent time that wasn’t super awesome. What was different in the context of those situations?
  • What helps you process the physiological results of stress?
  • What other activities can you do to release mom mode?
  • What can your partner do to help, what can you do to help your partner?

Another thing to consider when it comes to turning off mom mode and getting jiggy with it are the two different types of desire response. Again this revelation comes from: Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life.

So many of us are under the impression that sexual desire is just a lightening bolt that hits you randomly and now you are super duper aroused. While that is normal and the case for some people, the most common desire style is responsive desire. This desire for sexual activity comes AFTER you are aroused.

Generally, those with a penis have more spontaneous desire, and those with a vulva have responsive desire. This isn’t an exact difference and everyone should be treated as an individual, because individuals are vastly different then what is different between “men” and “women”.

Many people with responsive desire may think they have low sexual desire because they do not often get those random, out of the blue, horny moments. Do you have that feeling like you aren’t super into sex until you start fooling around and then have a great time? That is a great indicator of a person with a responsive desire style as opposed to someone with low sexual desire.

Whew! That was a lot of science! I hope it was beneficial. If you have any AH-HA moments leave them in the comments!


Here are those tips again. Remember, if the link doesn’t work that tip hasn’t been published yet.

  1. Get a lock for the door and then stop feeling guilty for having adult time.
  2. Find out what helps you turn off mom mode.
  3. Love your body, or if that isn’t going to work, be OK with your body.
  4. Try something new, and letting go of “normal” sex.
  5. Take time to snack, erotically.

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