Anon Asked Vol. 6 – Sex Drought and Naughty Dreams
The questions below were sent on Free Suggestion Box completely anonymously!
Send in your own questions, comments, and suggestions: http://freesuggestionbox.com/pub/mjgplpc
*Please note because they are anonymous, I can not ask follow up questions so there may be assumptions made. (I try not to assume, that makes an ass out of u and me)
*Also because these are written to a wider audience, the answers may include broader information.
Soo my bf and I are older and up until now things in the bedroom were great. BUTTTTT lately he’s been tired (so he says and I respect that) so we haven’t partaken in sex. The last 2 nights now in a row – he’s told me about his dreams – 1 where he’s pulling some anonymous woman’s hair and nothing more, and then last night he dreamed he was in bed touching a woman he knows. Then he tells me that he wants me! I wanted him up until he told me about that last dream. Ive gained some weight and I’m not skinny to begin with – this just threw my libido out the window. Then I talked myself down – you know: he’s here with me, he’s touching me blah blah blah. So we had sex. I faked it! It felt good but I felt like I wasn’t doing it for him. Uggghh I feel like Im on a slippery slope because in past relationships – stuff like this happened and next thing I knew we weren’t haven’t sex anymore and we were best friends not lovers! Any suggestions?
This question has a long of different things going on. Which is understandable! Life is never a perfect linear sentence. I have a feeling though that I may miss something! If there is please feel free to follow up with me in the anon box (make sure to reference “anon vol 6”) Here is a list of the things I want to touch on:
- What dreams about other women mean and why it can lead to sex.
- Your weight isn’t important.
Let’s talk about weight
The way you feel about yourself is real. I am not discounting the emotions you are having, I am letting you know that has nothing to do with the dreams your partner is having. Your body also has nothing to do with him being tired and the natural ebbs and flows of sexual desire in relationships.
You are worthy of pleasure, love, and touch in the body you have right now. (Recommended reading for anyone who struggles with their body image: You do not have to love your body for great sex)
What do the dreams mean?
Dreams are pictures in our head that happen when we sleep. We know we need to dream, and that is pretty much all the science on dreams can tell us for sure. They are generally not a clear picture of our conscious mind or the subconscious one.
So what does dreaming about sex REALLY mean? I don’t have the answer to that, and I am sure Oneirologists (Dream researchers) are not sure either! I did own a dream book though, as you can imagine I looked up what having sex in dreams meant. For the more spiritual, sex in dreams doesn’t equal a literal meaning of sexual desires. For example pulling someone’s hair could be a desire to be more in control of their own life. Many theories of dreams about having sex with people you know, is that you saw them or something reminded you of them that day.
So what does your boyfriend really desire? There is no way I can answer that, only your boyfriend can. The dreams are not something we can go by. His honesty in telling you the dreams is something to recognize.
Now, about the little boost in libido AFTER the dreams. This can be an example of the Dual Control Model, you can read more about that here. The Dual Control Model is comprised of two systems. The “brakes” and the “accelerator” (or gas).
One system is in charge of your brain letting your body know it a great time to be aroused. Your brain can activate (or press on the accelerator) if your partner smells super good, something or someone has made you feel special, and if you see or hear anything sex related etc.
The other system is in charge of your brain letting your body know it is NOT a good time to be aroused. This system can be activated if you are feeling bad about your body, you are feeling obligated to be sexual, or if you are worried about getting pregnant etc.
It could also be why the sex felt good to you, but not enough to orgasm. Your brake was being pressed with negative thoughts about your body and/or his intentions.
This system could also be why he “got in the mood”. The dreams got him thinking about sex, which may have aroused his physical body, which made him think about sex with you, which prompted him to initiate sex with you. (pardon the sentence ran off on me!)
Ebbs and Flows happen in relationships
I get a sense that you are worried that the erotic energy you felt in the start of the relationship is faltering or soon could be because of past relationships. When we first get into relationships we certainly get a surge of the erotic because things are new and exciting. When we continue into the relationship the newness is removed and the erotic may not be as energized. With long term relationships there is a balance of comfort and the erotic. This balance needs to be talked about and explored, it is NOT something that is instinctual.
If you have twenty minutes, I would recommend this ted talk. (I have bought her book and it is next on my list to read!)