Anon Asked Vol. 4 – Why Can’t I Orgasm With My Partner!?
The questions below were sent on Free Suggestion Box completely anonymously!
Send in your own questions, comments, and suggestions: http://freesuggestionbox.com/pub/mjgplpc
*Please note because they are anonymous, I can not ask follow up questions so there may be assumptions made. (I try not to assume, that makes an ass out of u and me)
*Also because these are written to a wider audience, the answers may include broader information.
I had orgasms from a young age, and can easily make myself orgasm. Obviously when they started, there was nothing sexual about them – only physical. Fast forward to adulthood, and I can still orgasm with no sexual thoughts, but can climax much easier with porn. Specifically men being really into women’s breasts, or women masturbating or stripping, etc…. but I also get very turned on by a man making himself orgasm. BUT in real life I don’t get turned on like I do by looking at images or videos. I’ve never had an orgasm during sex or with a partner, even though I love sex. I can orgasm after sex when I’m by myself replaying our sex and everything he did to me, but during sex my body doesn’t react physically like it does when I’m turned on by myself. I always fake orgasms and I don’t want to. I want to experience climax with my partner but don’t know how 🙁
The brain is our BIGGEST and most influential sexual organ. Yours seems to be incredibly visual and powerful! There is nothing wrong with that (and there is nothing wrong with you).
So orgasms, they are super awesome.
If I am being honest, I am a huge fan, BUT Orgasms are NOT why I have sex. I have sex to connect and be intimate with my partner. Relief stress and reduce the risk of heart disease. To have fun and experience pleasure. In some cases, I have been known to have sex to procreate! I don’t need to have an orgasm to get the above from sexual activity, neither does my partner (well except the procreate one).
Orgasms are a bonus to that. If I was to focus my energy on HAVING an orgasm, I most likely wouldn’t have one. If that is the goal in sexual activity, then you miss the journey.
So why the orgasming alone but not with a partner?
There is obviously not a crazy amount to go by here, so if I am off the mark, again you can disregard!
The context of the situation between masturbation and having sex with a partner(s) can be very different (not worse/better just different). With masturbation you can feel more trusting and safe because you are alone and you have set the mood to your liking. I am not saying that you don’t TRUST your partner, but there could be a vulnerable place that hasn’t been reached between you both. You have also have a body that keeps learning, and falls into a pattern, you can stretch and grow that pattern by exploring. If it knows it can orgasm by doing a thing, then it is easier to orgasm when you do that thing.
A non exhaustive list on why people may not orgasm with a partner:
- Worried about what one looks/smells/tastes like
- Worried about performance, if your partner is having a good time
- Worried about taking to long to orgasm, or already telling that you won’t
- Traumatic past being remembered
- Not enough clitorial stimulation (Only 30% of people with vaginas have reliable penetrative orgasms, so that means 70% of vulva owners need a little something else)
- Thinking about the state of your oven, laundry or dishes
- and many more…
Please stop faking orgasms! There isn’t much benefit to faking orgasm. It is far better to being honest about your feelings and what really gets you going, what your boundaries are, and working together to find what works to leave you both happy and satisfied (which may or may not be an orgasm).
The conversation may be difficult now because you have been faking them, but it is important conversation to have. (Ideas on how to do that may have to be a different blog post! What may be helpful for you before your conversation is creating a Want, Will, Won’t List)
You are your partner are the ones that get to decide what works for both of you when you are together. Throw out any definition you have about what “proper” sex looks like. Have the conversation about boundaries and fantasies with your partner.
If the best sex for both of you is what you are doing now, perfect. If it’s mutually masturbating together, totally fine! If you close your eyes and fantasize while fooling around, doable! If it a mix of all three or more, also up to both of you.
I am not sure if this is all I want to say! I hope this does help bring you a little clarity. If you or anyone else reading this wants to ask a question like this or anything else you are welcome to send a message to the Anon. Question box!